By Maria Valencia
SAN DIEGO — Why him? Why her? What did I do wrong? What’s going to happen with his soul? How am I going to tell others? What could I have done to prevent this?
Family members and friends of individuals who have lost their lives to suicide ask these and other questions — and feel guilt, sadness and shame.
For those of you coping with this reality, looking for these answers, please remember that you’re not alone.
I’m associate director for Culture of Life in the Diocese of San Diego. Six years ago, at the request of then Auxiliary Bishop John Dolan, I organized a Mass for family members and friends who had lost a loved one to suicide.
This year, Auxiliary Bishop Felipe Pulido will celebrate this Mass, which will be held on Sept. 28 at 5 p.m. at St. John of the Cross Church in Lemon Grove. As at previous Masses, individuals are invited to send the name of a loved one who died by suicide so they may be remembered at this liturgy. You may submit the name using this link: rb.gy/eqpu0.
Often, those who die by suicide do so as a result of mental illness, falsely believing there is no other alternative but to take their life. They suffer from depression, substance abuse disorders, and anxiety, among other illnesses.
Once, a young woman who suffered from anxiety since childhood told me that she had recurring thoughts of suicide. During her anxiety attacks, nothing would calm her down, she told me. She wished to stop living to escape the anxiety. Fortunately, with medication, professional help, and family support, this young lady is overcoming her illness.
For individuals like this woman, please remember that you’re not alone.
Bishop Dolan had received his community’s support when he lost three family members to suicide. He wanted individuals enduring a similar experience to be able to go to a Mass where they could support each other mutually. He wanted them to know that they were not alone, that the Church was there to accompany them. Most of all, he wanted to raise awareness that suicide can be prevented.
This is the most difficult Mass I have to organize because of the conflicting emotions I feel. My heart breaks when I hear the painful stories from parents, brothers and sisters, and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide. My body aches when I see them depositing a white rose at the altar to remember their departed loved one. It’s devastating to observe that some people, like Bishop Dolan, deposit more than one rose.
At the same time, I feel satisfaction when I see how their sadness is transformed to hope and gratitude as they thank us from the heart for having the opportunity to gather year after year for a Mass where they feel understood and supported by the Church.
A total of 360 people killed themselves in San Diego County in 2022, the latest figures available, with death rates increasing 7% for youth and young adults between the ages of 10 to 24.
September is a month dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Please join us in this effort to raise awareness that suicide can be prevented and to spread our faith’s message that, “You’re not alone!”
The experts recommend five steps to help prevent suicide: reduce the stigma of mental illness, inform yourself about suicide, recognize the symptoms of someone contemplating it, find out what resources are available, and ask for immediate help.
Our diocese encourages parishes to establish a mental health ministry in English and Spanish, and supports those that have them.
We also have organized a variety of resources that are available for those coping with mental illness and their loved ones. You can view these resources at sdcatholic.org/mental-health-ministry
We work with the organization Survivors of Suicide Loss San Diego. You may reach their support line at (619) 482-0297.
And if you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide, you can text 741-741 and connect with a trained volunteer crisis counselor 24 hours a day, every day of the year.
María Valencia can be reached at (858) 490-8323 and mvalencia@sdcatholic.org.
